2009

As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler; solitude will not be solitude, poverty will not be poverty, nor weakness weakness.

--Henry David Thoreau

The first half of 2009 is hard and hopeless. I am like a tower of blocks built too high, swaying, ready to tumble down unless someone reaches out to balance it and to start removing blocks until stable.

If something needs to be done, I do it. Egocentric as all humans, I expect others to do the same. When they don't I harbor resentment.

At this point, my life is anything but simple. I am a mother of two, masters degree student who works full time. At both home and work I have taken on too much.

At work, we lose the person who takes care of lunch. So I step in. Pick up lunch from another high school 10 miles away, set everything up, serve, clean everything up, and return the dirty dishes. Not only does this take time away from my regular duties it is dirty and physically hard to lift heavy bags of foods, and becoming a "lunch lady" physiologically damages me. Teachers help as much as they can, but we are so short staffed.

The janitors think a school only needs to be cleaned once per week. I do not like dirty places, and we are trying to recruit new students. So each morning I get to work early to vacuum, to clean tables, and to get away from home.

The economy is slow. Funding for education is cut and schools have a hiring freeze right when I am ready to apply for jobs. I apply for dozens of jobs all over the country. The one interview I land, the library director explains that he has 40 highly qualified applicants. The library field was overflowing with qualified applicants before the budget cuts, now jobs are few and far inbetween. I will graduate with a master's degree and I spend my time cleaning up after people.

Greg has no work. Time to work on the house, but no money. Time to work on other projects but no desire. The dark cold winter always brings him down. I am the stabilizer & motivator, but have no energy to play this role. I need his help, but when I return from my night class at 9:30 pm the kids still need help with their homework, the dishes are piled in the sink, and the house is a mess. I try to convince him that there are other ways to contribute to a family besides financially. We fight more in a few months than we have all the previous years of our marriage combined. We are hopelessly lost in the fog of discouragement.

Just at the point of scrounging coins to buy milk... we get a call from someone wanting to purchase artwork. Amazingly so in this slow economy when we haven't done any of the money required ways of promoting art that we have done in the past.

Just at the point of finding every excuse not to go home, Greg and the kids step up and start doing their share of the cooking and housework.

Just at the point of complete blindness in the dark of despair, the sun breaks free for an early spring. The bulbs, crocuses first, pop up their colors with the promise of warmth of renewed hope, and of perseverance. Spring flowers are a reminder to me of the forgotten beauty.

Slowly, Greg starts to line up jobs. When not working he finishes the utility/workroom and starts laying the stone veneer on the house. This is a labor intensive job that only requires the purchase of mortar. The mortar is mixed in a large tub with a hoe to the consistency of cake batter. It is good work to rid the body of despair. Outside in the fresh crispness of spring you create your own heat working every muscle: the arms, back, stomach, and legs in the mixing and lifting and the mind in the puzzle of fitting rocks together like a pattern. We start landscaping. Greg acquires cuttings from friends and jobs he does for others. To work in the dirt, to plant that seed or cutting which turns into a living thing of beauty is my healing pastime.

I do not find a librarian job, but work improves. A new janitor is hired. Someone else is assigned to pick up, set up, and clean up lunch. I teach one computer technology class in addition to my admin assist duties. I love teaching, even though I am spending many weekend hours in preparation creating lessons and grading. I enjoy seeing students progress and what they teach me. I enjoy the challenge of behavior management and the reflection of "what could I do better". I feel that I am playing a more valuable role than that of lunch lady and this improve my physiological outlook.

Money is still tight, but we have enough. We insulate the house with R-19 insulation in the walls and R-30 insulation in the ceiling. Then we start to sheet rock. Amazing how covering the walls makes progress seem vast and the end finally seem possible.